Wednesday, November 14, 2012

MASANJA alikua anaumwa sana na alilazwa hospitali ya BUGANDO,sasa cku 1 rafiki yake YUSUPH akaja kumjulia hali, alipofika akamkuta mgonjwa MASANJA anakunywa UJI, mambo yakawa hivi...

YUSUPH-pole sana rafiki angu!

MASANJA-(kwa lafudhi ya kisukuwa)asante bwana!

YUSUPH-usijali mungu atajalia utapona!

MASANJA-kweli ntaponaga kabisa!

huku akiendelea kunywa uji bwana MASANJA akaropoka...

MASANJA-ila kusema ukweli naumwaga! yaani naumwaga kweli!

YUSUPH-eh! unasema?

MASANJA-sio siri naumwaga yaani naumwag....

kabla hajamalizia bwana YUSUPH akadakia 'eh! naomba usiumwage kama umeushindwa huo UJI nipe mie nimalizie'

hahahaha kumbe MASANJA aliposema NAUMWAGA maana ake NAUMWA ila kwa SWAGA za KISUKUMA ndo lazima uweke GA! hahahaha haya twende NAWAPENDAGA!

CHEZEA MKE WA MTU WEWE


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Mke. wa kamikaze alikuwa anafuga paka na jason alikuwa anamchukia sana yule paka. Siku moja akaamua kwenda mtupa mbali, akamchukua na gari kilomita 1, akamuacha paka hapo kurudi home. Alipokua anakaribia kwake akamuona paka naye anaingia ndani.. akashangaa kweli..akauchuna.
Siku iliyofuata akamchukua paka na kumpeleka mbali zaidi kilomita 5 kutoka nyumani kwake.. akumtupa hapo na kurudi nyumbani.... alipokaribia nyumbani kwake akamuona tena paka naye amerudi anaingia ndani... akasema moyoni kesho utanitambua!!
kesho yake akaamka na kumchukua paka akaenda mbali zaidi kilomita 50 akakata kushoto akakata kulia akanyoosha tena kushoto kulia akazunguka saaaana!... kisha akamtupa paka, akaanza safari ya kurudi home... baada ya muda akapiga simu kwa mke wake nyumbani.
Jamaa: "Mke wangu vipi.... huyo paka yupo apo?"
Mke: "Ndio mume wangu yupo katulia tu, vipi imekuaje?"
Jamaa: "Hebu mpe simu anielekeze njia ya kurudi nyumbani... maana mi nimepotea."

KIINGEREZA BWANa.........

Mke na mume walikuwa wakiulizana chumbani kwao baada ya kusikia vigeregere kwa jirani,na mazungumzo yao yalikuwa hivi:-
MKE: kuna nini kwa jirani?
MME: kuna birthday
MKE: ya nani?
MME: itakuwa ya TUYU
MKE: tuyu ndio nani?
MME: sijui ndio nani nimesikia wanaimba "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

Translator wuuuuh

Jamaa flani baada ya kuchoma
bangi zake,akatoka na kuenda
kuingia duka la muuza nyama.
Mara kukaingia paka,akaanza
kulia....Miaaao w! Miaaaow!
Jamaa akamwambia muuza
nyama,"Huyu paka anataka robo
kilo ya maini."
Paka akapewa,akaila yote kisha
akaanza tena kulia,Miaaaow!
Miaaaow..miaaow !
Jamaa akamwambia muuza
nyama tena,"Sasa anataka robo
kilo ya nyama.
Paka akapewa akaila yote,kisha
akatoka akaenda zake.
Mwenye duka akamwambia
mvuta bangi,"Haya lipa robo kilo
ya maini na robo kilo ya nyama."
Mvuta bangi akajibu,"Mie
yananihusu nini? Nilikuwa na
TRANSLATE tu!!"

MAJINA YA MENGIne

Mgombea alienda ktk kampeni za uchaguzi kwenye kijiji cha SENGE mkoani Ruvuma.
Salam ikawa hivi;
Mwenyekiti na Katibu wa Senge ; Ndg Wanachi wa Senge , Vijana, Wazee na Watoto wa Senge , Mabibi na Mabwana wa Senge..
Habari zenu
Watu kimyaaa..
Akaendelea ,
" Wasenge Oyeee...!!'.
Wananchi, 'Mwenyeweee

MISEMO VYOO VYA USWAZI HUKO MOMBASA RAHAA...

MISEMO VYOO VYA USWAZI HUKO MOMBASA RAHAA...
1.Unakunjia nani sura,kwani ni mimi
nilikuambia ule magimbi bila chai?

2.Due 2 grenade threats,naomba
ukunye pole
pole.

3.Unafunga mlango unafikiri watu
wataiba
mavi yako?

4.Ungekuwa unang'ang'ana hivyo kwa
masomo kama unavyong'ang'ania kutoa mavi yako,si ungekuwa mbali?

5.Wakati watu wanatafuta pesa,wewe unakunya tu.

6.usikunye kama hujui utakulala nini
badae

7.lenga shimo jamaa halafu na ushute(kijambo) polepole

8.kama tungeweka mirror hapa
ungechukia face expression yako..

9.do you know u r so ugly ukipush"

Duh Jamaa naye

Jamaa alimuliza Mpenz wake.
Jamaa: Mimi na Choo Bora nan?
Demu: Bora Wew.
Jamaa: Sio kwel, mbona Ukienda choon unavua Chupi mbio mbio lakin ukija kwangu Mpaka nikubembeleze?
Demu: Mh!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

DoGO na BOUNCER

DOGO; broo saa ngapi?
BOUNCER; saa nane na nusu
D0GO: poa ikifika saa tisa kamili nistue nitakushika tako
BOUNCER: unasemaje dogo...yule Bouncer akaanza kumkimbiza dogo,,,kufika mtaa wa pili dogo akaingia nyumba moja hiv kuna mzee amekaa nje anapunga upepo....yule Bouncer kwa hasira akamwambia yule mzee'''babu naomba umtoe huyo dogo kabla cjaingia kumtoa roho'''
MZEE akamuuliza Bouncer'''kwani amefanya nin mpaka umkimbize ivo.'''
BOUNCER: huyu dogo kaniuliza saa nikamwambia saa nane akaniambia ikifika saa tisa nimstue atanishika tako,,
Mzee akaangalia saa kisha akamwabia bouncer ''wasiwasi wako wa nin mbona saa tisa bado''''

DoGO na BOUNCER

DOGO; broo saa ngapi?
BOUNCER; saa nane na nusu
D0GO: poa ikifika saa tisa kamili nistue nitakushika tako
BOUNCER: unasemaje dogo...yule Bouncer akaanza kumkimbiza dogo,,,kufika mtaa wa pili dogo akaingia nyumba moja hiv kuna mzee amekaa nje anapunga upepo....yule Bouncer kwa hasira akamwambia yule mzee'''babu naomba umtoe huyo dogo kabla cjaingia kumtoa roho'''
MZEE akamuuliza Bouncer'''kwani amefanya nin mpaka umkimbize ivo.'''
BOUNCER: huyu dogo kaniuliza saa nikamwambia saa nane akaniambia ikifika saa tisa nimstue atanishika tako,,
Mzee akaangalia saa kisha akamwabia bouncer ''wasiwasi wako wa nin mbona saa tisa bado''''

DoGO na BOUNCER

DOGO; broo saa ngapi?
BOUNCER; saa nane na nusu
D0GO: poa ikifika saa tisa kamili nistue nitakushika tako
BOUNCER: unasemaje dogo...yule Bouncer akaanza kumkimbiza dogo,,,kufika mtaa wa pili dogo akaingia nyumba moja hiv kuna mzee amekaa nje anapunga upepo....yule Bouncer kwa hasira akamwambia yule mzee'''babu naomba umtoe huyo dogo kabla cjaingia kumtoa roho'''
MZEE akamuuliza Bouncer'''kwani amefanya nin mpaka umkimbize ivo.'''
BOUNCER: huyu dogo kaniuliza saa nikamwambia saa nane akaniambia ikifika saa tisa nimstue atanishika tako,,
Mzee akaangalia saa kisha akamwabia bouncer ''wasiwasi wako wa nin mbona saa tisa bado''''

Friday, August 3, 2012

Stupid Questions Well Answered

MRD: Stupid Questions Well Answered:
Q: Umenyoa nywele?
A: Hapana, nimebadilisha kichwa.
Q: Hiyo simu umenunua?
A: Hapana nimeitengeneza mwenyewe.
Q: Utakula mboga na nini? A: Mdomo
(A midnight call)
Q: Nimekuamsha?
A: Hapana nilikuwa naota jua hapa nje.
Q: Gazeti la leo linasemaje?
A: Sijaongea nalo. Q: Gari limejaa, nitakaa wapi?
A: Usijali dereva anashuka kituo kinachofata utapata kiti.
Q: Hiyo ni accident?
A: Hapana ni driver ameamua kupark gari upside down.
Q: Umepause movie?
A: Hapana wamechoka kuact wanarest.

SWAG WE UNAZO KAMA HIZI

VITUKO USWAHILINI

VITUKO USWAHILINI
Jamaa flani kaingia kinyozi,wakati yuanyolewa kukaingia dem msupa.Jamaa akaamua kujaribu bahati yake.

JAMAA:"Mambo?"
MSUPA:"Poa"

JAMAA:"Mi na wewe tunaeza meet baadae?"
MSUPA:"Kwanini?"

JAMAA:"Kwa sababu umenibamba nataka nikupeleke date"
MSUPA:"Sawa,lakini nitamwambia nini mume wangu?"

JAMAA:"Aaah...hilo si tatizo mdanganye tu! Mwambie umeenda kutembelea rafiki yako hospitalini"
MSUPA:"Mwambie mwenyewe....huyo hapo anakunyoa!"

JAMAA:"Duh..!"

MTUMISHI NDO MAMBO GANI HAYO

Mtumishi mmoja wa kanisa alikwenda kulala na dada wa kanisa chini ya mti... Juu ya huo mti alikuwepo mvuta bangi akivuta bangi... Mara baada ya kumaliza mambo yao yule dada akamuuliza mtumishi hivi uli2mia condom...
Mtumishi: hapana!
Dada: sasa unadhani nkipata mimba itakuwaje kwa kanisa na 2tafanyaje...
Mtumishi: mwachie aliejuu bwana, achana na hayo mambo!
Mvuta bangi: akadondoka chini na kusema, nyie mnaakili kweli mumwachie nani wakati mmefanya nyie nawaona hapo...
Mtumishi na yule dada wakazimia

Friday, July 6, 2012

JAPANESE TEAM

JAPANESE NATIONAL TEAM imekatatiliwa kuja bongo kucheza coz walidhani kuwa majina yao ni mtusi. Line up,
1.Yamashika Yamamoto(gk)
2.Bunaka Tanaka
3.Kanatomba Hakamwagi (cpt)
4.Kumamoto Inanuka
5.Akishunda Tunakufa
6.Akijamba Anakunya
7.kakumakangu Sikupi
8.Nyegezito Natakabwana
9.Shikashika Takolangu
10.Tiamkono Nusa
11.Kanapenda Punyeto
sub
1.Kumando Mladi
2.Motomoto Haraka

Usikurupuke km Bibi hapa

Chifu alitaka kujua idadi ya makahaba kwenye kijiji chake. Makahaba walipokuwa kwenye foleni bibi kizee mmoja akapita na kumuona mjukuu wake yumo katika foleni. Bibi akauliza
'hapa kuna nini mjukuu wangu?'
Mjukuu akamjibu;
'Chifu anagawa maembe'
Kwa uchu wa roho ya tamaa, bibi akaunga foleni. Chifu katika kupita kwenye foleni akamuona bibi akamuuliza 'Na wewe bibi upo huku?'
Bibi akajibu 'Tena mimi ni stadi wa kunyonya na kuramba mpaka kokwa'
"Dunia imekwisha"

SOma jamaa alivyokufa.......

jamaa wawili wako baa wakipiga gambe na stori.wakwanza akasema hivi ulisikia mike alikufa?
wa pili;hapana.ilikuwaje kwani?
wa kwanza:alikuwa anakuja nyumbani kwangu akiendesha gari yake. sasa alikuwa spidi kali na hakushika breki vizuri kwahio gari yake ikagonga geti na kubilingita na yeye akarushwa mpaka ghorofa yangu ya kwanza na akapasua kioo akadondoka chumban.
wa pili,'dah,kifo kibaya sana.
wa kwanza,hakufa,baada ya kugaagaa akaona kabati la nguo na akashika mshikio wake ili ajivute asimame ila kabati lote likamdondokea na kumvunja mifupa yake mingi tu.
wa pili;maskin, kifo kibaya
wa kwanza,'hakufa bado.alitambaa mpaka akatoka chini ya kabati hadi nje ya chumba.akashika ukingo wa ngazi zilizokuwa zinashuka chini.sababu ya uzito wake na jinsi alivyokuwa amezishika hizo kingo zikavunjika na yeye akaanguka hadi chini na kingo zikamponda kwa juu.
wa pili huku akitikisa kichwa,'mama yangu.kifo gani kibaya ivo....'
wa kwanza;aliweza kupona hilo.akatambaa mpaka jikoni akataka ajivute asimame bahat mbaya akashika mkono wa sufuria lililokuwa na maji ya moto.yote yakamwagikia na kumbandua ngozi ya sehm kubwa tu.
wa pili,'hicho kifo kinasikitisha sana
wa kwanza hakufa;alijikaza akaona simu akataka apige watu wamsaidie lakin akashika waya wa umeme badala ya wa simu na alipouvuta ukakatika.umeme na maji havipatani, akapigwa shoti kubwa sana.
wa pili;mama weee.hicho kifo kinatia huruma sa...
wa kwanza;hakufa hapo ali.....
wa pili;sasa niambie alikufaje....
wa kwanza;nlimpiga risasi
wa pili;kisa?
wa kwanza;ALikuWa ANa haRiBu NyumbA Yangu.............

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

POMBE AAH CTAKI TENA

Mlevi kafika kwake kalewa njwiii, akawa anapata tabu kuingiza funguo kwenye kitasa mlangoni ili afungue mlango. Jirani akamuuliza:
"Unataka msaada, naona una tatizo kidogo..."

Jamaa akajibu,
"Nataka msaada tena sana jirani yangu, hebu shikilia hii nyumba nifungue mlango maana kila nikitaka kuingiza funguo kwenye kitasa nyumba inacheza..."

MAPENZI YA SIKU HIZI

Simu iliita:
Mume: Hello baby!
Mke: Hello swt!
Mume: Nitachelewa kurudi leo.
Mke: Nilishajua uko kwa vijanamke vyako, wewe ni malaya sn, sijui ilikuaje nilikukubali! Nakuchukia km nini, sikupendi sikupendi!
Mume: Niko Bank hapa......
Mke: Haaaaa! Ulijuaje km sina hela, nitolee laki moja nadaiwa baby, nakupenda sana kuliko roho yangu, nakutekea maji ya kuoga swity wangu. Usisahau hizo pes, ninunulie na chips kuku....mwaaaaaaa!
Mume: ....ni BANK YA KUCHANGIA DAMU!
Mke: nyoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

SOMO LA MAADILI

mwalimu mmoja alikuwa akifundisha wanafunzi maadili...akauliza;mfano umemtoa msichana outing siku ya kwanza ukampeleka mgahawani kwa ajili ya chakula cha usiku.ukataka kwenda kukojoa utamwambiaje?...

juma akasimama na kusema;ntamwambia,'dia,naenda chooni mara moja.....mwalim akajibu;sio vizur kusema neno chooni wakat wa mlo......

mike akasimama na kusema;nitamwambia dia,nsubir mara moja naenda kukojoa....mwalimu akasema;angalau,lakin kukojoa haipendez sana mkiwa mezani.....

mwisho john akasimama na kusema;nitamwambia samahani dia, naomba unisubiri mara moja naenda kupeana mkono na rafiki yangu ambaye ninamini utakutana naye baada ya mlo....

MUUMINI WA KWELI NDO HUYU.

BAADA YA MAUBILI mchungaji aliwaambia waumini wafunge macho ili waombe, basi akainama akachota pesa kwenye kapu kukusanya sadaka (kaiba pesa). Kuinua macho akakutana na mzee aliyekuwa anaingia kanisani. Mchungaji akasema hivi "HERI YAKE YULE ASIYESEMA YALE ALIYOSHUUDIA KWA MACHO YAKE YOTE" na mzee akamalizia akisema " UJUE ATAPATA MGAO WAKE WOTE BAADA YA MISA KUISHA".

Monday, July 2, 2012

UKIMWI NA FAIDA ZAKE

Faida 6 za kuwa na ukimwi.
1. unatembelewa,
2.unapewa msosi mzuri
3. kila m2 anakuhurumia
4.unajisaidia hapo, huendi chooni
5.ukijitangaza unakuwa shujaa
6.kama ni mfungwa unapata msamaha
AMBUKIZWA SASA.

MVUTA BANGI

Mvuta bangi kaposa mtoto wa kike mwembamba sana,siku ya harusi mama mkwe akamzungushia mwanae magazeti apate kuonekana kajazia. Muda wa kufanya mapenzi, mvuta bangi kila akichana gazeti anaona gazeti jingine,akachoka! Akampigia simu mkwewe,akamuuliza: eti mama mkwe, kuma ya mwanao iko ukurasa wa ngapi?

KUTANA NA BIBI AKIWA MAHAKAMANI

HAKIMU: Bibi, hebu ieleze mahakama kilichotokea.
BIBI: Nilikuwa nimelala nyumbani kwangu usiku wa manane,mlango unavunjwa na anaingia huyu kijana, aliyesimama pale.
HAKIMU: Endelea, Bibi.
BIBI: Si, akanivua nguo zote na kunipanda.
HAKIMU: Enhee!
BIBI: Akawa anakata kushoto, mimi kulia. Alidhani mimi siyawezi!
HAKIMU: Enhee!
BIBI: Kila akikata, na mimi najibu! akikata na mimi nimo,hadi raha
HAKIMU: Haaa!sasa tatizo lililokuleta hapa mahakamani ni nini?
BIBI: Atengeneze ule mlango aliouvunja

BIBI BOMBA

Mwanajeshi alikuwa kwenye vita aliwateka adui zake watatu wasichana wawili na bibi kizee mmoja, mwanajeshi kwa kiburi akawaambia " Sasa adhabu yenu nawatomba wote!"....
Wale wasichana wawili wakasema "Sawa lakini tunaomba bibi yetu umuhurumie usimtombe hivyo tutamsaidia adhabu yake tafadhali,."..
Bibi kizee kusikia hivyo akadakia " Komeni kabisa,adhabu hii ni kwa wote. Na kumbukeni adui ni adui tu hata awe bibi kizee kwani mimi sina nyege. Hebu endelea na adhabu yako baba.

HUYU JAMAA NAYE...........

Ustadh alkuwa anawahmza waumin kutoa HELA Kwa ajili ya kuzungusha ukuta MAKABURI kuna mlev m1 akamuulza ustadh kwamba kwan mpaka sasa kuna maiti yeyote aliyetoroka?

MIsemo ya kwenye Daladala

Hii ni baadhi ya misemo ilyoandkwa kwenye magari espcl daladala...ongezea wowte unaoukmbka.. 1.Super market hawauzi mkaa.. 2.kama mapenz ni pesa kafunge ndoa na benki..3.Usiku wa deni haukawii kucha..4.nyuki hakumbatiwi..5.Ukisinzia tunakusachi... 6.imekushinda penati utaweza kona..7Vinyago nivichonge mwenyewe halafu vinitishe?!!
..8.Wamekataa kona wanakubali penati..9.We nisubiri mi nakungoja. 10..Shimo la panya halizibwi kwa mkate

Thursday, June 21, 2012

AKipona MUNGU mwema...................

LAUGH! LAUGH! TILL WE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WATOTO WENGINE PRESHA TUPU
Baba na mama,ni matumaini yangu kuwa mtasoma
ujumbe wangu huu kwenye karatasi niliyoiweka
juu ya meza,naomba msishtuke mana ni mambo ya
kawaida kwenye maisha tunayoishi,najua
mtaumia kwa vile bado nasoma
na ndo nipo kidato cha kwanza,Napenda kuwajulisha kwamba sasa hivi mnaposoma hii
barua sipo nyumbani,nimetoroka mana
nimegundua nina uwezo wa kujitegemea kwa
sababu mi ni kijana mwenyewe umri wa miaka 14
na ninajua kipi chema na kipi kibaya.tangu mwezi
mmoja uliopita nilikuwa na uhusiano na binti mmoja aliyeitwa Rachel,mwenye umri wa miaka
27 na kwa sasa ndo naishi naye kwenye chumba
alichopanga.Nilipokuwa nyumbani sikuwa napata
hela za kutosha ila sasa nimeanza kushika noti za
shilingi 10,000,msichana niliyenaye ni mzuri sana
wa umbo na ninampenda sana,amenifundisha njia za kutafuta hela.Amenipangia kazi ya kuuza
madawa ya kulevya na yeye ikifika usiku anaenda
kuuza mwili wake,basi kila siku tunapata hela ya
kutosha,huyu mchumba wangu ni msichana
mwenye bidii,kwa siku analala masaa 6 tu maana
mwanaume yeyote akija lazima awe naye chumbani kwa mda wa masaa 3.Msiwe na
hofu,nipo salama kabisa na nimeamua kumwoa
Rachel mana ni kila kitu kwangu.
Pia amenunua gari la kubebea mbao kwahiyo
biashara inaenda vizuri,Rachel ameenda kupima
afya na amekutwa na upungufu wa kinga mwilini,mara
nyingi namridhisha anapotaka kitu flani,iwe
kufanya naye mazoezi ya viungo au kufanya naye
mapenzi,si mnajua unapokuwa na mgonjwa
unakuwa naye karibu,ila mi pia sijihisi vizuri mana
kila saa nakohoa tu na sina uhakika kama nimeathirika,.Tumepanga baada ya miaka miwili
tutawatembelea,nadhani mpaka miaka miwili iishe
atakuwa ameshajifungua,na nifuraha yangu
mtamwona mjukuu wenu.Wazazi wangu sina la
kuongeza kwaherini Mungu akipenda tutaonana.
Baba na mama mi nipo chumbani kwangu, mnachokisoma ni h/work ya mwalimu wa
kiswahili alituambia tutunge hadithi fupi,naomba
iangalieni kama kuna makosa ---------
Nadhani mama asingemalizia hii yani siku mingi
keshazimia.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

JEMBE LA MUHIMU LIMEPOTEA:R.I.P STEVEN KANUMBA

KWA MUJIBU WA MDOGO WA MAREHEMU STEVE KANUMBA, ALISEMA KUWA ELIZABETH MICHAEL MAARUFU KAMA LULU ALIKUJA NYUMBANI KUKAWA NA KAUGOMVI AMBAPO WAKAINGIA CHUMMBANI WAKIWA HUKO BAADA YA MUDA,LULU ALITOKA NA KUMUITA YEYE KUMUAMBIA KANUMBA KAANGUKA, YE ALIPOENDA AKAMKUTA KAANGUKA NDIO AKAENDA MUITA DAKTARI WA KANUMBA AMBAPO ALIPORUDI HAKUMKUTA LULU, LAKINI HADI TUNAVYOONGEA LULU YUKO POLISI OSTERBAY KWA AJILI YA MAHOJIANO NA POLISI

Lulu ndio huyu


Inasemekana Lulu aligombana na marehemu Kanumba ambaye inasemekana alikuwa mpenzi wake baada ya kukutwa akiongea na mwanaume mwingine kitendo ambacho kilimuudhi marehemu.. Lulu anasemekana kumsukuma marehemu na ndipo alianguka na umauti kumfikia jana usiku...
R.I.P Steven Kanumba

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

LEARN HOW TO MANAGE YOUR TIME

Time management
Developing time management skills is a journey
that may begin with this Guide, but needs practice and other guidance along the way.

One goal is to help yourself become aware of how you use your time
as one resource in organizing, prioritizing, and succeeding in your studies
in the context of competing activities of friends, work, family, etc.

First: try our exercise in time management:
How do you spend your time each day?

Strategies on using time:
These applications of time management have proven to be effective as good study habits.

As we go through each strategy, jot down an idea of what each will look like for you:

Blocks of study time and breaks
As your school term begins and your course schedule is set, develop and plan for, blocks of study time in a typical week. Blocks ideally are around 50 minutes, but perhaps you become restless after only 30 minutes? Some difficult material may require more frequent breaks. Shorten your study blocks if necessary-but don't forget to return to the task at hand! What you do during your break should give you an opportunity to have a snack, relax, or otherwise refresh or re-energize yourself. For example, place blocks of time when you are most productive: are you a morning person or a night owl?
Jot down one best time block you can study. How long is it? What makes for a good break for you? Can you control the activity and return to your studies?

Dedicated study spaces
Determine a place free from distraction (no cell phone or text messaging!) where you can maximize your concentration and be free of the distractions that friends or hobbies can bring! You should also have a back-up space that you can escape to, like the library, departmental study center, even a coffee shop where you can be anonymous. A change of venue may also bring extra resources.
What is the best study space you can think of? What is another?

Weekly reviews
Weekly reviews and updates are also an important strategy. Each week, like a Sunday night, review your assignments, your notes, your calendar. Be mindful that as deadlines and exams approach, your weekly routine must adapt to them!
What is the best time in a week you can review?

Prioritize your assignments
When studying, get in the habit of beginning with the most difficult subject or task. You'll be fresh, and have more energy to take them on when you are at your best. For more difficult courses of study, try to be flexible: for example, build in reaction time when you can get feedback on assignments before they are due.
What subject has always caused you problems?

Achieve "stage one"--get something done!
The Chinese adage of the longest journey starting with a single step has a couple of meanings: First, you launch the project! Second, by starting, you may realize that there are some things you have not planned for in your process. Details of an assignment are not always evident until you begin the assignment. Another adage is that "perfection is the enemy of good", especially when it prevents you from starting! Given that you build in review, roughly draft your idea and get going! You will have time to edit and develop later.
What is a first step you can identify for an assignment to get yourself started?

Postpone unnecessary activities until the work is done!
Postpone tasks or routines that can be put off until your school work is finished!
This can be the most difficult challenge of time management. As learners we always meet unexpected opportunities that look appealing, then result in poor performance on a test, on a paper, or in preparation for a task. Distracting activities will be more enjoyable later without the pressure of the test, assignment, etc. hanging over your head. Think in terms of pride of accomplishment. Instead of saying "no" learn to say "later".
What is one distraction that causes you to stop studying?

Identify resources to help you
Are there tutors? An expert friend? Have you tried a keyword search on the Internet to get better explanations? Are there specialists in the library that can point you to resources? What about professionals and professional organizations. Using outside resources can save you time and energy, and solve problems.
Write down three examples for that difficult subject above?
Be as specific as possible.

Use your free time wisely
Think of times when you can study "bits" as when walking, riding the bus, etc. Perhaps you've got music to listen to for your course in music appreciation, or drills in language learning? If you are walking or biking to school, when best to listen? Perhaps you are in a line waiting? Perfect for routine tasks like flash cards, or if you can concentrate, to read or review a chapter. The bottom line is to put your time to good use.
What is one example of applying free time to your studies?

Review notes and readings just before class
This may prompt a question or two about something you don't quite understand, to ask about in class, or after. It also demonstrates to your teacher that you are interested and have prepared.
How would you make time to review?
Is there free time you can use?

Review lecture notes just after class
Then review lecture material immediately after class.
The first 24 hours are critical. Forgetting is greatest within 24 hours without review!
How would you do this?
Is there free time you can use?

Select one of the ten applications above.
and develop a new study habit!
Try something you have a good chance of following through and accomplishing.
Nothing succeeds like a first successful try!

Try the University of Minnesota's Assignment Calculator

Develop criteria for adjusting your schedule
to meet both your academic and non-academic needs

Effective aids:

Create a simple "To Do" list
This simple program will help you identify a few items, the reason for doing them, a timeline for getting them done, and then printing this simple list and posting it for reminders.
Daily/weekly planner
Write down appointments, classes, and meetings on a chronological log book or chart.
If you are more visual, sketch out your schedule
First thing in the morning, check what's ahead for the day
always go to sleep knowing you're prepared for tomorrow
Long term planner
Use a monthly chart so that you can plan ahead.
Long term planners will also serve as a reminder to constructively plan time for yourself
Time management series

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Developing self-discipline

Developing self-discipline
Self-discipline
Self-discipline can be considered a type of selective training, creating new habits of
thought, action, and speech toward improving yourself and reaching goals.
Self-discipline can also be task oriented and selective.
View self-discipline as positive effort, rather than one of denial.

Schedule a small task for a given time of the day;
Practice deliberate delaying.

Schedule a particular task in the morning and once in the evening.
The task should not take more than 15 minutes.
Wait for the exact scheduled time.
When the schedule time is due, start the task.
Stick to the schedule for at least two months.
Advantages: Scheduling helps you focus on your priorities.
By focusing on starting tasks rather than completing them, you can avoid procrastination.

Schedule a task and hold to its time;
Avoid acting on impulse.
Track your progress;
At the end of the allotted time, keep a record of accomplishment that builds over time.
Advantage: Building a record will help you track how much time tasks take.

If you begin to have surplus time, fill it with small tasks, make notes to yourself, plan other tasks, etc.
Harness the power of routine.

Instead of devoting a lot of hours one day, and none the other and then a few on an another day and so on, allocate a specific time period each day of the week for that task.
Hold firm.
Don't set a goal other than time allocation,
simply set the habit of routine.
Apply this technique to your homework or your projects, you will be on your way to getting things done
Advantage: You are working on tasks in small increments, not all at once. You first develop a habit, then the habit does the job for you.

Use self discipline to explore time management
Time management can become an overwhelming task.
When you do not have control over your own self, how can you control time?
Begin with task-oriented self-discipline and build from there.

Advantage: As you control tasks, you build self-discipline.
As you build self-discipline, you build time management.
As you build time management, you build self-confidence.

Maintain a self-discipline log book.

Record the start and end times of the tasks.
Review for feedback on your progress
Advantage: This log book can be a valuable tool to get a better picture over your activities in order to prioritize activities, and realize what is important and not important on how you spend your time.

Schedule your work day and studies.

When you first begin your work day, or going to work take a few minutes and write down on a piece of paper the tasks that you want to accomplish for that day.
Prioritize the list.
Immediately start working on the most important one.
Try it for a few days to see if the habit works for you.
Habits form over time: how much time depends on you and the habit.
Advantage: When you have a clear idea as to what you want to achieve for the day at its start, the chances are very high that you will be able to proactively accomplish the tasks. Writing or sketching out the day helps.

Discouragement:

Do not be intimidated; do not be put off by the challenge
If you slip, remember this is natural
Take a break and then refresh the challenge
Tricks:

Associate a new habit with an old one:
If you drink coffee, make that first cup the time to write out and prioritize your tasks.

Advantage: Association facilitates neural connections!

Mark your progress:
On a calendar in your bathroom, on a spreadsheet at your computer, on your breakfast table: Check off days you successfully follow up. If you break the routine, start over!

Advantage: Visualizing is a ready reinforcement of progress

Role models:
Observe the people in your life and see to what extent self discipline and habits help them accomplish goals. Ask them for advice on what works, what does not.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Wanna Be a Player Son...!

How to Be a Player: Get Laid, Be Loved and Have Fun!
Get all the sex, love and attention from women that you can handle with my proven system for being a player
So, you want to know how to be a player? I remember when I first started trying to achieve more success with women – I decided that really, really wanted to be a player so I could get laid all the time by sexy, hot chicks.
I wanted to be like the players that I saw in the clubs who always seemed to have a bunch of hot women hanging off them, competing for the player's attention. You know the kind of guy I'm talking about, right? The one who stands there with several beautiful women around him who all seem to be super-interested in him…while he's just playing it cool.
I wanted to know how to be a player and enjoy the fun, sex-filled lifestyle that almost every guy wishes he could have. So, I decided to find out HOW to do it. At first, I thought, "Okay, well, I guess I need to work on becoming a smooth character, wear all the player clothes and get some 'shines' (bling / jewelry)…and start treating women like bitches and stuff…"
Initially, I did the easy thing and saved up money to buy new clothes and bling, but no matter how well I dressed, nothing happened because I wasn't approaching and talking to women. So, I decided to go out to the hottest clubs on weekends and watch the players in action to try and copy what they were doing around women. The irritating thing was that no matter how much I tried to copy the players, women still rejected me and didn't ever chase after me like they did to the players.
If anything, trying to be a player actually decreased my success with women, because I was initially putting on the 'player act' in the wrong way and coming across as an awkward try hard. As you can imagine, this was a pretty confusing and frustrating time in my life! To add to the frustration, my friends laughed and told me to just WAIT for a woman to come my way one day. I hated that, because I wanted women in my life NOW, not in 10 years time.
I thought, "Well, what’s going on here? I'm doing all the things that the players are doing, but women don't want to date me and I'm not getting any phone numbers…or sex!"
On my journey to work out how to be a player, I soon realized that you don't have to actually ACT like a player to get all the girls swooning over you and wanting to have sex with you. You also don't need to put on a fake personality that isn't you.
I thought, "Hang on a second…there a millions of 'normal, average guys' out there who have more success with women than the players…these guys have heaps of women in love with them…and get heaps of sex…and they do it naturally...so what is THEIR secret?"
From the day on, I changed what I was doing and started using the techniques of the 'naturals' (average, normal guys who are naturally good with women), as well as keeping the very best player techniques I'd already discovered, such as: Using playfully cocky humor, being charming and using flirting during conversations with women.
Suddenly, everything changed! Within 2 months, I had at least 2 women coming over to my place each week for sex. I also had a few women who were trying to make me choose them as my serious, long term girlfriend. It was amazing. I was no longer the try hard, no longer the lonely loser and no longer the boring single guy. I was getting laid like a rock star...even though I'm just an average, normal, every day guy.
Honestly, you can have this kind of EASY success with women too. All you need to do is use my tested and proven techniques for being a natural player in the dating game. It's all about the techniques. You can still be yourself, but you just need to change what you're doing when talking to women - don't worry, it's easy.
Stop for a moment and imagine the pleasure of having sex with new beautiful women all the time, without having to spend years trying to become Mr Smooth. Imagine applying a handful of powerful techniques (that took me years to discover by watching the players and the naturals in action) and immediately having women chase you and want to be your serious girlfriend. That's right, women WILL chase you!
You don't have to try to work out how to be a player for the next 3-5 years of your life. This is something that you can to TODAY. You can start enjoying the player lifestyle now. All you need to know are the techniques and the rest will take care of itself naturally.
 It will Continue.....